I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
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Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
the answer was staring at me all along
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.