Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!

Real bees work best

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

I have obtained a hat

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”