I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
