I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
