I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Oh deer
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
