I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
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Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
sugar glider wrangler
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting