Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

It’s so cold that men who wear shorts outside in the winter are wearing TWO pairs of shorts

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

how much does a mortician urn in a year

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”