Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”