Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

🤣

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

[adds another nod to the conversation]

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

Wait for it

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.