Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

Can’t, holding a grudge

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

Print is alive and well!!!

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar