I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
You Might Also Like
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
That eye roll….
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.