I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
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Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
smh
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk