I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
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You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?