Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

these two trucks have the same bed length

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce

FRIEND: on?

ME: … a plate

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

Meat Cute

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship