I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
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You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
With a text.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
i wish we could shoplift online
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.