Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”