Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”