I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
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ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I found your tweet-up…
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
