Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.