Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

all that yoga finally paid off

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts

I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow