Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

Always this one for me forever

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.