Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.