I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Two types of dogs.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.