I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
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Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
R.I.P.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
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