I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
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Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
Sunday
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream