I’m 36 years old and I still look for someone older than me when an adult is needed
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if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes