Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that