Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.