Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This makes total sense…

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.