I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
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I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY