Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

Stick it to the man

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*