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@Vice_Queen

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

@six_2_and_even

Look man, don’t make me do 2 minutes of research to bolster my already flawed argument

@Darlainky

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

@cheeky__gal

It’s disappointing when you watch a high school basketball game and no one turns into a werewolf.

@iwearaonesie

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

@dumbbeezie

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

@chuuew

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

@LoveNLunchmeat

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.