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I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.


Look man, don’t make me do 2 minutes of research to bolster my already flawed argument


What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.


It’s disappointing when you watch a high school basketball game and no one turns into a werewolf.


me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos


Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.


ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]


If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.