You Might Also Like

@fatherofcomedy

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

@liv_thatsme

“Got a dog.”

Me:WHAT BREED? WHAT COLOR? WHAT’S HIS NAME? HOW BIG ARE HIS PAWS? IS HE A GOOD BOY? DOES HE SNUGGLE?

“Had a baby.”

Me: cool.

@3sunzzz

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

@ZGhaoN

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

@suecorvette

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

@OnlyFastEddie

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

@thenoahkinsey

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

@noogscorner

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

@CindyMeakin

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

@KentWGraham

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?