Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
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I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…