Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

Close call…

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo