I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
You Might Also Like
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.