@protolalia

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

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@audipenny

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

@JustMeTurtle

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

@ArfMeasures

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

@DanMentos

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

@deloisivete

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

@ewfeez

Hacked again! Sometimes I wish I never grew up on 12,345,678th Street with a dog named Password.

@MrsTomServo

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

@notjustblondee

“Previously on-”

First of all, I’ve been watching for ten straight hours

@TweetPotato314

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on