When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
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I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!
Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Hacked again! Sometimes I wish I never grew up on 12,345,678th Street with a dog named Password.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
First of all, I’ve been watching for ten straight hours
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on