I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

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a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick


I hope the people that monitor my sleep study tonight like watching a man scratch his taint.


[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-



Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:


My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.


Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.


Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?