@protolalia

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

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@TheHyyyype

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

@JT_IV_

I hope the people that monitor my sleep study tonight like watching a man scratch his taint.

@Reverend_Scott

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

@haikuplatypus

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

@HatfieldAnne

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

@stevevsninjas

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

@PetrickSara

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?