Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it