Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?