Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

They’re really bad with fonts.

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.