I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
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If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
That took me a moment.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
mathematically impossible
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.