Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.