Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

Woke up against my better judgment again

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

😂

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude