Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…