I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
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Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”