Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding