I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
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4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I think I’ll stand
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Pickled cat.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.