I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
![]()
You Might Also Like
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
![]()
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.