Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…

Well, toucan play at that game.

2023 was just a warmup

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!