I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
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My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Jogging has never helped my memory.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
