Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

Who says great literature is dead?

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea