I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
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A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed