I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
You Might Also Like
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Hitlers gonna hitl
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.