I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
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I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]