Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

set yourself free xox

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?