I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
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Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
😂😂😂
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.