Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

step 6: release the wall snake

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!