Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

⛄️

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

Are you ok, human???

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

?¿

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.