I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
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Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
genius
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
This is a genius move
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that