Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

your honor my client chooses dare

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.