I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.