Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

fired

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them