I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
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The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
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Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”