Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel