Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby

the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background