Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

#inspiration #foodforthought

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.