Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*

Me:

Easy enough.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss: