Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”