Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

🤣🤣🤣

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.