Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

the #horror is real!

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

I’m having an out of money experience.

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson