Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

do u think theres a butter planet?

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.