Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*

Teacher: How was your vacation?

My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working