Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

me when I see my crush

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

it’s a van. how do they not know this

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

The Assassin.

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.