Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.