Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Become ungovernable.

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.