I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
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My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Monday
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Just so funny
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh ManateeScientists start rage screaming
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
uncle dave has been through hell
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs