Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

50 shades of grey = my Liver

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”