I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
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Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?