I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
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I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I told my vodka about you.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner