Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this