Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

1st snow: let’s play in the snow!

2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.

3rd snow: let’s move.

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..