Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

apparently this year was written by stephen king

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”