I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
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Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
lol
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
🔦🌙👣
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.